Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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