She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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