Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
