hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
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I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
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Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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