My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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