This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
