Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
