Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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