Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
