I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
