omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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