I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
