if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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