Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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