Me. At least after what I've been through.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
