Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
