dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
This is classic penis vs brain.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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