Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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