I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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