i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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