: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
