God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
