He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
