Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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