whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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