I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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