One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
