pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
