Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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