i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
