I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
