how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
