We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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