Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
