I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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