you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
