Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
