The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
