My ATM looks so different sober.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
