theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
