Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
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Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
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You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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