i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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