hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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