got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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