I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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