My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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