Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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