I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
