mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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