The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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