We named our party play list daddy issues
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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