I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Banned from zoo.
Again?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
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Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
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As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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