guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
