I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Someone came in the potted fern
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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