i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
