Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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