there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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