garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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