please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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