So drunk its hurt
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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