Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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