Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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